


Confessions

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [6]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Grief, M/M, OCD, PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-09
Updated: 2016-10-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 11:38:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8247394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseA scene that took place between Chapter 38 and 39 of Fear Will Lose and after the short story Baby Guitar, and it's written from Todd's perspective.Please read notes for trigger warnings





	

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> SPOILERS
> 
> \/
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter has mentions of Josh's death, Tyler's scars/self harm, and an in depth description of a traumatic war experience, plus the death of another character and vague suicidal thoughts. Please be careful <3

Todd had settled into his place on the couch to begin his usual evening Netflix binge after putting William to bed when his phone buzzed with a message notification from Tyler.

_Tyler <3 : Can I come round? We need to talk.  
Todd: Yeah of course_

As soon as Todd saw the message, his breath caught in his throat. Things had been going so well between the pair, Todd had even started contemplating saying the big L word.

His mind began to race with what Tyler could possibly want to talk about, and he knew it would be something serious from the tone. He chewed his nails anxiously, racking through potential possibilities till he couldn't take it anymore and paced to the kitchen.

Todd helped himself to a beer from the fridge and popped the top with a shaky hand, then leant against the fridge with one extended arm whilst drinking quickly and looking at the assorted artwork William had created.

Among the various drawings was a photograph of him, William and Tyler. It had been taken last week when they all went to William's favourite park to celebrate their 3 month anniversary. Todd sighed and pulled the photo from its magnets and sat down at the kitchen table.

Considering how little time he had known the man for, it was surprising how much Tyler meant to Todd already. Of course he'd been physically attracted to the teacher from the moment he had seen him in the parking lot. The man wasn't Todd's usual 'type', but something about the way he roughly styled his hair, and his adorable smile just melted Todd's heart. But Todd really found himself with those familiar butterflies once he heard Tyler talk at the parents evening. The passion he clearly had for music positively glowed off him, and the most enticing characteristic was the genuine care he showed for William. Tyler made his son happy, and that's how Todd knew that he could make him very happy too.

As Todd gazed at the picture in his hand, he wondered why he had ever gone after the groomed self absorbed muscle men when somebody as cute and considerate as Tyler existed. He sighed sadly, fearing Tyler would deliver bad news once he arrived.

 

  
Todd jumped slightly at the sharp sound of the front door knocker, then quickly walked to open it. As he did, he saw Tyler with a hoodie pulled over his head and red eyes trickling tears down his face.

"Tyler are you okay?! What happened?" Todd panicked as Tyler entered the house.  
"Is William asleep?" He asked tearfully, walking towards the living room with his hands still stuffed in his pockets.  
"Yes, Tyler tell me what's wrong," Todd quickly followed after his boyfriend, concern growing rapidly.

"Tyler please,"  
"Sit down," Tyler instructed once they arrived in the living room, but Todd instead tried to hold him. Tyler shook him off.  
"Sweetheart-"  
"Please Todd." He repeated, biting his bottom lip as tears continued to fall.  
"Okay," Todd submitted, sitting on the couch as Tyler looked up to the ceiling and tried to blink away the tears.

"I've been lying to you for a really long time and I can't do it anymore,"  
"Tyler what are you saying?" Todd panicked as Tyler paced a few steps.

"I, shit, I've got some stuff I need to tell you and I need to say it and I don't care if you break up with me, well I do care, but I mean I get it, I won't blame you but I just really can't keep hiding this from you,"  
"Tyler, please calm down, whatever it is, I'm not going to break up with you over it," Todd reassured his pacing boyfriend.  
"Don't make promises you can't keep. Please T, just listen and don't interrupt and then I'll leave I promise,"  
"Okay I'm going to listen, but sweetheart you need to calm down, whatever it is we'll deal with it I promise."

"You asked me if I've ever loved someone and I told you no and that was a lie, a massive lie and I can't keep pretending that he never existed because he did, he did." Tyler wept, hiding his face with hoodie covered hands.  
"Tyler we're both grown men, I'm not upset if you've dated other people sweetie, please stop crying," Todd comforted, slightly confused and very concerned about why he was so upset.

"No, no you don't understand. My name, it's not hyphenated because of my p-p-parents,"  
"Are, are you married?" Todd suddenly realised, his stomach dropping.

He felt genuinely sick at the thought that he was a role in an affair, and more importantly that the man he loved didn't really love him back. His heart belonged to another. 

As Tyler nodded, Todd cursed under his breath and rested his head in his hands.

"He's c-called Jo-sh," Tyler sobbed as Todd ran his fingers through his hair and bounced his legs, unsure of whether he wanted to cry or scream. He should have known Tyler was too good to be true.

"He, he, uh, he died in a, a car crash 5 years ago, and I uh, I-"  
"Tyler," Todd's head suddenly looked up and he instantly rose and embraced the sobbing man, pulling him close and holding him tight. Tyler collapsed against him but Todd held him up and let him whimper into his chest as he felt his own heart break, and his own cheeks become damp.

 

-

 

"Do you want to get changed into something more comfortable Ty?" Todd offered, gently stroking his boyfriend's arm as 30 minutes passed since his arrival. "I'll find you something of mine,"  
"Thank you," Tyler whispered, sitting up from where they were laying cuddled on the couch.  
"Do you want to come with me?" Todd asked, not wanting Tyler to be alone.  
"Please," Tyler nodded so Todd stood, held his hand, then slowly led him into the bedroom and sat him down on the double bed.

"You like long sleeves don't you babe?" Todd remembered.  
"Yeh," Tyler croaked quietly.

Todd pulled out a hoodie that he knew would be oversized on his older but smaller boyfriend and an old pair of sweats, then sat down next to him again.

"Do you feel comfortable with me helping you get undressed?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Alright sweetheart," Todd smiled sympathetically, unzipping Tyler's hoodie for him. Rather than taking it off, next Todd reached for the necktie and began to undo it for him, but suddenly stopped as Tyler erupted into tears again.

"Tyler I'm sorry,"  
"He always did my tie," Tyler whispered, breaking down again. Todd immediately shuffled next to him and held Tyler's head against his chest.

"You're okay Tyler, it's okay to feel like this, I understand sweetheart. I'm not going to do anything that you don't want me to, I promise. We'll take our time, do things at your pace. You're okay. Now that you told me, things will feel easier. I'm going to help you through it however I can."

"There's more," Tyler murmured, and Todd felt his heart begin to speed up with anxiety again.  
"Would you like to tell me tonight?"  
"Yeh," the crying man nodded against Todd's pecs, sitting up again and wiping his face with his sleeves.  
"Take your time," Todd supported, rubbing his back.

"I uh, I-I, you remember that I, uh, I told you I spent a lot of time in hospital when I was a kid,"  
"Yeah,"  
"It wasn't for, uh, for - I'll just show you," Tyler sighed tearfully, then rolled up his sleeves.

Todd's eyes widened as he caught sight of the disfigured skin on both of his boyfriend's arms. Both his wrists were covered in scars. Todd gulped as his mind raced and he looked closer. He couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with Tyler, and instead stared at all the partially healed slashes wrapping around his arms. All the pain he had caused himself.

Todd felt himself tear up for the second time that evening as he struggled to even begin to comprehend what pain Tyler must have been through emotionally to result in this desperate mutilation of his own body.

"Between the ages of 19 and 27, I spent 31 months in psychiatric hospitals distributed over 4 separate admissions," Tyler recited, Todd not knowing what to say. "I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, and um, and schizoaffective disorder. They result in ritualistic behaviours, panic attacks, self harm, suicidal thoughts, and uh, and hallucinations," Tyler told Todd, staring into the middle distance with tears running down his cheeks.

"And this is when I leave." Tyler suddenly said, rolling down his sleeves and standing up, reaching for the door.

"Ty," Todd eventually managed to open his mouth.  
"It's fine Todd, I get it. Thank you for an amazing 3 months." Tyler replied, trying to shut the bedroom door behind him but Todd stood up and caught it before he could.  
"Tyler, please don't go,"  
"You don't have to deal with me T."  
"No you're right I don't, but I want to. I want to Tyler, my choice. I want you at your lowest as well as your highest. I want to know everything about you, including the crappy times of your life. Tyler please,"  
"It's not fair on you, and it's not fair on William,"  
"No what's not fair is you having to deal with this on your own." Todd replied emotionally, tears escaping his eyes as he helplessly watched Tyler breakdown in front of him again.  
"Please, come sit on the bed again. It's my turn to talk okay?"  
"O-kay," Tyler choked, letting him guide them back into the bedroom.

Tyler rubbed his face for a minute whilst standing by the bed that Todd sat on, before taking off his tear drenched hoodie, button up shirt and tie and changing into the warm hoodie that Todd had set out.

Todd couldn't help but look at his boyfriend's arms again, feeling sick to his stomach. Sick at the idea of Tyler being that unhappy, not the idea of him being unwell in the first place.

Once Tyler swapped his suit pants for sweats, he laid down on top of the duvet and stared up at the ceiling, sobs subsiding.

"You can get under the covers if you want sweetheart." Todd told him softly, laying next to him.  
"S'fine," Tyler whispered.  
"Is it alright if I ask one question about your conditions?"  
"Ok,"  
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I won't mind,"  
"Thank you," he murmured quietly.

"You were in hospital, since you left do you get any sort of help? Or support?"  
"I uh, yeh, I get a bit. I meet with my, um, my old team every 3 months." Tyler explained, causing Todd to picture him needing a whole group of professionals just to get him through the day. "I see a therapist most weeks, uh, called Dr Wakefield. He's been with me since my psychotic break 13 years ago,"  
"Does he help?"  
"Yeh," Tyler sniffed.  
"Glad to hear it,"

"I take meds too, but I uh, I yeah,"  
"And they work for you?"  
"Pretty well, although, I um, I still get sick sometimes. And I rely a lot on my family and my music to help me then."  
"Do you think you'd feel a bit better if you called your family now and spoke to them? See if they can calm you down?" Todd suggested as he listened to Tyler's shaking breaths.

"Thanks but no, I'm uh, I'm not sick, I'm just upset," Tyler sighed, "My parents look after me when I'm having an episode, uh that's what they're called when I hallucinate, episodes. I have a word that I message them and then they drive straight to my apartment to keep me safe."  
"I'm glad they do that for you,"  
"Yeh. It's uh, it's been 5 months since I last needed to do it, so I won't worry them tonight."  
"Oh that's good then,"

"I worry them a lot,"  
"They just care about you." Todd supported his boyfriend, still taking in all the new information.  
"Because that's what happens once people know. Either they run, or they worry," Tyler began to panic again.  
"Tyler-"  
"And that's no life for anyone. I shouldn't put anyone through that, I shouldn't do it, I shouldn't do that to people, ruin people like that."

"Tyler don't work yourself up sweetheart, come on, deep breaths,"  
"I can't put you through that Todd."  
"You're not putting me through anything sweetheart, I'm choosing to be with you, I want to be with you."  
"But I'm such a mess,"  
"No you're not Tyler. You've gone through a lot, but that's okay. Of course I want to understand it all but I don't think we should talk about every single detail tonight, unless you want to that is. I promise that I'm here to listen any hour of any day, any time you want to talk about your conditions or your husband or anything at all. Let's just take our time and deal with this together,"

"You're so perfect and I'm so fucked up,"  
"You're not fucked up, just like I'm not perfect."  
"I've got so much baggage,"  
"Everyone has baggage Tyler, it's normal. It doesn't change how I feel about you."  
"You don't. I'm such a let down compared to you,"  
"You want to know my baggage Tyler?"  
"Please don't say William, he's not, he's amazing." Tyler told Todd, slowly beginning to breathe less erratically.  
"I'm not talking about William sweetheart," Todd replied, and Tyler went quiet listening.

Todd took a deep breath of his own before deciding to go ahead and reveal his secret to Tyler, hopefully proving to him that he wasn't alone in going through hard times. "Okay sweetheart, I'm going to show you a picture."

Todd proceed to stand up from the bed and walk over to his wardrobe. Once he opened the double doors, he knelt down and moved around a few fallen items of clothing before his hands made contact with the small plastic storage box hidden at the back. He brought it forwards and unclipped it's lid before moving around a few items and finally making contact with the scrappy photo he was looking for.

As he walked back to the bed, he saw Tyler had sat up and looked at him as he brought the photo back.  
Todd sat next to him and held out the image, which Tyler took with a shaky hand and brought closer to his face.

"You were in the military?" Tyler realised as his eyes wandered over him and a few other soldiers in his unit.  
"Yeah. Before I became a boring big city banker, I did two tours of Afghan. That's me, there." Todd pointed to himself in the top corner, dressed head to toe in camouflaged protection. His M4 rifle rested comfortably in his arms as he smiled at the camera.  
"Yeah,"

"And that's Tom, Aaron but we all called him Towerblock, Florence the only woman in our unit, and then that's my best mate Peter." Todd pointed out.  
"Right," Tyler shyly smiled at Todd.

"My father was a Marine, and after he was awarded his third medal he was selected to become an operator in Delta Force. That's an elite specialist operations unit, they do hostage rescue and counterterrorism, and their naval counterpart is SEAL team 6."  
"Tough guy," Tyler remarked.  
"Very tough guy, and let's just say that he didn't react well to me not wanting to follow in his footsteps, or me coming out."  
"Yeah," Tyler sighed, putting down the photograph and making eye contact with Todd, listening intently.

"So when I was 16, he sent me to military academy. Which was actually not that bad, being bunked up with a room full of hot, usually shirtless, males."  
"He didn't really think that through," smiled Tyler, tears finally stopping as he took Todd's hand in his.  
"Not exactly no. But that was where I met Peter, and before you ask he was only ever a mate. He wanted to be a soldier fighting the bad guys since he was a little kid, and after a few months his attitude rubbed off on me and I caught the bug. As soon as we graduated the academy we went straight into basic training together, and a couple of months later we were shipped off to Afghan."

"How old were you?"  
"I was 18,"  
"Wow," Tyler whispered in shock.

"Peter and I were put in the same unit and we were out there for 6 months. I won't lie Ty, I loved it. We had a few close moments but for my entire tour I didn't see a single member of my unit get hurt, and I felt on top of the world. We were dismantling the enemy and I've never felt more alive. The close moments just added to that sense of invincibility, and I absolutely thrived. I got promoted from private to private second class, then private first class. As soon as we touched back on US soil I was already applying to move up the ranks further and get back out there and kick some Taliban butt."  
"Yeah,"  
"And sure enough, I got the promotion to corporal."  
"Congratulations,"  
"Thank you sweetheart," Todd smiled. "I got deployed again when I was 21, this time for 12 months and with my own fire team. Fire team is like subunit of the main unit, and a sergeant leads that unit. Basically the sergeant is my boss and I'm the fire team's boss."  
"Yeah I understand,"

"My sergeant was a really good guy, firm but fair, and gave me a lot of really good advice on leadership. Kept me levelheaded when my youth showed and I wanted to take on the whole Taliban single handed effectively, and made sure I was on the right track. He put a lot of trust and faith in me, and turned me into a very confident leader with one of the best fire teams on the base."  
"Yeah,"

"My second tour saw a bit more action during the first couple of months than my first, there were a lot of close shaves. IEDs were everywhere, we ran over and set off a couple in our vehicle, and the number of civilian casualties was a massive shock to me. There were a couple of attacks on other units and they were taking place closer to base than my first tour; I could just sense that things were different."  
"Right,"  
"After 8 months out there, I wasn't enjoying it anymore to put it simply. There was just this constant fear, constant paranoia. During 3 weeks I saw 2 guys set off IEDs and lose their lives, and another 4 lose limbs."  
"I'm sorry,"

"As a corporal I kept a brave face for my fire team, boosting their morale whenever I could. But when I was left alone with my thoughts, I couldn't relax. I was constantly on edge, checking and checking and checking again that my gun was working and within arm's reach, and there was nobody stood behind the door or waiting to jump out. I'd wake up in the middle of the night thinking that we were getting ambushed, and I could barely walk without suspecting any little bump of being an IED."  
"Yeah,"  
"And then we went out one evening, my fire team and another fire team, on a pretty simple mission. The sergeant briefed us on a tip off they received, there was a group of 6 Taliban based in an old warehouse on the outskirts of small town near our base, and intelligence believed that they could be using it to store materials to build IEDs and teaching new recruits how to build them as well. The objective was clear, take control of the building and seize any evidence, and the firing protocol was we were only to shoot if they engaged first."  
"Right," Tyler said, rubbing Todd's hand as he took a deep breath.

"So my team, Flo, Towerblock, Will, Pete and me, we were going to cover the rear and west exits of the building whilst the other fire team stormed the front entrance. Things were going to plan at first, we all arrived safely and there was plenty of shelter for my fire team. I was in radio contact with the other corporal and his team were in place and had eyes on 4 targets. So we went into radio silence, and 2 minutes later we heard gunfire and shouting from the front of the warehouse. Flo was stationed beside me and gestured that she wanted to support the second fire team but I ordered her to stand steady, knowing they were simply following the plan, and that's when a bullet whizzed straight past my helmet from over my shoulder, literally millimetres from my face. I screamed for everyone to take cover from a fighter behind us but before I finished, Flo took a bullet to the arm. Everything's a blur but I laid down behind a car next to her and grabbed her arm as tight as I could. I heard more gunfire and more shouts from both mine and the second fire team, but I just focused on Flo. I ripped a strip of fabric from my t shirt and tied it around her bicep to try and stop the bleeding, and it worked a little but she desperately needed medical attention. I looked up to try and locate the medic and at that exact moment I saw Peter step on a pressure plate. Set off a huge IED, throwing his body straight up in the air and then in 4 different directions."  
"Oh Todd,"  
"The explosion reached me too and threw me back and straight into the old car behind me, knocking me unconscious." 

"What happened?" Tyler asked cautiously as Todd took a moment to collect himself as he relived the events for the thousandth time in his head.

"I woke up in the medical infirmary at camp two days later to find out that Peter died instantly in the explosion, and Towerblock lost his left leg. Flo needed surgery on her bullet wound, and Will was also caught in the crossfire and was in surgery for the damage done to his femoral artery. He made it in the end, but it was a long few days."  
"Oh my gosh T, I'm so sorry."  
"Every single member of my fire team was injured, including my best mate fatally, because I forgot to scan the perimeters."

"T it wasn't you fault."  
"I know that now, but for a long time I didn't. For a long time I blamed myself, and I was discharged from the army due to concerns for my mental health when my sergeant overheard me telling this photograph of Peter and the guys my plans for a suicide attempt."  
"Todd," Tyler whispered, before pulling him into a much needed hug and holding him tight. "I had no idea, I'm so sorry."  
"Thank you," Todd sighed into Tyler's hair.

"And how about now? How are you doing?" Tyler asked, letting go of Todd's back but holding both of his hands.

"Better, much better." Todd nodded honestly, "There's some things I find hard still, I don't like sitting with my back to a doorway in case someone sneaks up, and I'm not good with fireworks so Fourth of July isn't great, but they're really only minor. William has been such a massive help, bless him, and I'm great 99% of the time." 

"Does William know?"  
"He knows that Daddy used to be a soldier, and that Daddy's friend Peter died in the war."  
"I'm so sorry Todd."  
"It's okay Ty. Sweetheart I just want you to understand that you don't have to deal with everything yourself, or isolate yourself from me or anything like that. I might not understand exactly what you've been through, but it's not an entirely foreign language to me, okay? You and me, we're not that different. I'm not comparing the loss of Peter to the loss of your husband, I just hope that it shows you that I've struggled with grief myself, and I understand how awful if can be. I know that sometimes you need support and sometimes you need space, and I promise I'm going to offer that to you. And I've also dealt with my own self hatred, sense of guilt and suicidal thoughts. I've got things that I've struggled with in the past, and things I struggle with now. I'm not claiming to understand exactly what you've been through, but I hope it shows you that you're not alone in having a difficult journey. I know it must have taken so much bravery for you to come over here and tell me everything that you have, and I'm so proud of you Tyler. And I also know that you telling me isn't going to make it all go away, but I promise that I'm going to support you every single day. We've got each other to lean on now."  
"Yeah," Tyler whispered as a tear ran down his cheek and Todd carefully reached up and wiped it away for him.

"The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it."  
"Isn't that from The Lion King?" Tyler smiled tearfully with a sad laugh.  
"Yes... But hey, I've got a 5 year old son, what's your excuse?" Todd smiled before pulling Tyler into another hug and kissing him on the top of his head.


End file.
